It was high time to get serious about our finances and retirement and buying my $1 a week lottery ticket just wasn't cutting it, so this time, I doubled my purchase and waited impatiently. (Darn! Missed it by only 6 numbers) Janet then said that we ought to try a Dave Ramsey course on finances. Finally, a way to save and achieve wealth. (now I could quadruple my chances)
So we signed up for the course at church. It's titled "Financial Peace University" It was a great price at $20, regularly $93. (but wait, if you buy now, you'll receive the best selling book "Quadruple Your Lottery Chances") The first lesson was to save $1,000 for an emergency fund. We were able to get almost $100 saved right away, mostly in pennies, (check those couches) so off to the bank we went to open an emergency savings account.
We decided to use Janet's bank to open our account. She likes the friendly service and free stuff. She's lending the bank her money, so she deserves the key chains, coin holders & pencils.(stocking stuffers) The security guard opened the door for us, as our hands were laden with bags of pennies and we walked up to the teller window and Janet said that we would like to open a savings account. The teller said "Oh, I'm sorry! This window is closed, but you could step over to the next window, someone will be right with you." So we went to the next window and the teller stepped over and said "Good afternoon! My name is Michelle. How may I help you?" Janet said "As I was saying to you at the other window, we would like to open a savings account." "Oh! I'm sorry! That's set up at the desk behind you. If you take a seat on one of our very comfortable chairs, someone will be right with you.
We settled down in the chairs and used the bags of pennies as foot stools. Janet didn't think the chairs were comfortable, but then, she's used to just laying back on couches with her feet up. (That's how I get most of my coins) As I read the only magazine, Janet was busy with her Christmas shopping. (every year it's the same thing....a key chain) It didn't seem to busy, but everyone was doing things. One teller was categorizing her silly bands (I think she shoots them at little kids when she's out of lolly-pops) and the guard was busy opening and shutting the door (checking for squeaks) There was some excitement when a man entered the bank wearing this "Freddie - Nightmare on Elm St." type face and the guard confronted him and said "Sir, you have to remove the mask!" and the guy said "What mask?"
Finally Michelle came over and asked "Hello, have you been helped?" Janet said "As I said over at the teller window, we'd like to open a savings account." Oh! I'm sorry! Marlene isn't here today, maybe I can help!" She asked what type of account we wanted. The regular savings account, the Money Market or the stuffed mattress! I asked which would give us the better return on our money and she giggled uncontrollably.
Janet was a current customer so she was ok, but I needed to provide proof I.D., thumb print, hair sample and drawn blood. (Oh great! I've lost my wallet, am a double amputee, bald and anemic) Luckily, I had a note from my mother. Then when Michelle had trouble with the computer, she said that it could be awhile ( I'm reminded of scripture saying "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day) I suggested that maybe we go shopping while waiting (I mean...we had a 100 bucks) or maybe paint the house.
We arrived back with Janet wearing her new Sketchers and I had a bag of army men(Hallie's school project) and was told that the computer still wasn't up. Michelle apologized repeatedly for the delay and said she would call someone. She got on the phone and called the President of the bank demanding that something be done or he would be $100 short on his country club dues. He said he would take care of it. (Does he have proper I.D. or a note from his mother?)
Michelle saved the day for us and we left with our account set up and a purse full of free goodies. I called the bank president myself and asked why they had such a crappy computer program. "Doesn't this bank have enough money for good computer programs" He replied "Well...we did get bail-out money, but the board voted on a way to quadruple our chances on making more.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Day in Court
I had a rental house that the city had forever been on me to fix up. (update) ( the city inspector was voted off HGTV's "Design Star" the first night.) So finally, I was summoned to court to answer for my high crimes of tacky design. So wearing my best, lime green, polyester, leisure suit, I walked into the court room ready to defend myself against these outrageous claims. (I distinctly remember affixing those loose roof shingles with duct tape)
It wasn't really a court room like you would see on Law & Order, but more like a high school gym with folding chairs and the bench was a folding table (and the jury were mannequins) (but dressed in the latest styles). There were no metal scanners to walk thru as there are in the main courthouse. They only had one officer, whose job was to glare at you suspiciously, so that you would not blow yourself and everyone else up. (My guess is that the State thought the judge and attorneys were expendable) (and the defendants were guilty anyway, otherwise we wouldn't be there) (and you can find used mannequins cheap on Craigslist).
There were about 60 people seated and they all turned to look at me as I walked in. (all but the guy in the orange jump suit, who took off in the opposite direction) I seated myself between a guy with jeans sagging down to his knees, with a shirt hanging down to his knees and wearing an over sized hoodlum cap with the brim down to his upper lip and a girl wearing a leather mini-skirt down to just below her navel. There was a woman in short-shorts sitting in front of us and the officer came to her and told her that there was a dress code in the courtroom and the judge would be very upset with the way she was dressed. "Dress code!" she exclaimed "What about Miss "No Mystery" behind me, next to the guy in the green leisure suit?" He looked into his courtroom policy manual and said "You're right!.... Sir, you'll have to at least remove the jacket."
Everyone stood when the judge entered. (a tall, good-looking, blond woman) I watched the parade of Hell bound criminals walk to the front to plead "Not Guilty" (even the guy with the bomb vest) (Some people just aren't intimidated by glaring) and when it was my turn, I tried a different tactic. I pleaded guilty. (that threw them for a loop) The prosecutor had the look of ..But I had lots of pictures! ( and I felt sorry for her, so I looked at them, said awwwww! and then showed her pictures of my grand-kids)
Apparently, Judge Hotness had never sentenced anyone before now, because she asked me what we could do to remedy the situation ( WE?... maybe she'll help me paint) I told her I wanted to sell the house for an obscene profit, but would settle for enough to update my wardrobe. She gave me 30 days to sell the house and I was to return then.
I sold the house pretty fast and 30 days later I awoke from an afternoon nap, realizing....oh no! I had forgotten my court date! I quickly ran to check the county's most wanted list on the Internet to see if I should leave the country. Then I called the D. A.'s office and was told that I could go to Docket Court in the morning with a good excuse for missing my court date and I would have the bench warrant dismissed. (and it better be a good one) (not "I fell asleep" or "I forgot") He told me also that only 24 would be allowed in. (they would give me a yellow ticket to enter. I'm going to Hollywooooood!!!)
I arrived very early and made 10th in line. This was a big time court house with 5 officers glaring and emptying pockets and x-rays and scanners. I felt more secure not having to worry about guns or bombs being brought in. I emptied my pockets and one officer took out my keys, studying them intently and when I asked why, he just glared at me and put them back in the tray. (There must be certain keys that can take out an entire police department).
I walked thru the scanner and the alarm sounded, so they told me to take off my belt and walk thru again. This time I made it thru and the officer on the other side said "Next time walk thru faster and it won't sound the alarm!" (Great! I think I just saw the bomb vest guy from last month walk thru very fast) ( that guy is very gutsy as he had 5 officers glaring at him)
In Docket Court the judge asked why I missed court and I told him that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Advanced Memory Loss. (well.... it's possible!...It's not impossible.) He removed the bench warrant and gave me another 30 days to appear in court. I asked sleepily"Could you write that down? I don't want to forget." (I heard someone yell "KEY" and an officer has tackled someone to the floor.)
30 days later I found a note reminding me to appear in front of Judge Hotness, so I put on my new Route 66 jeans from my new wardrobe, went back to the expendable courthouse, with the glaring officer and seated myself behind a woman in an orange jump suit. (shouldn't have worn those short-shorts!) The judge asked if I had sold the house, I showed her my new jeans, she nodded approvingly and asked for the proof of sale. "Proof of sale?" I asked. (Oh, her glare was so intense that even the bomb vest guy stopped as he entered, turned around and ran.) She gave me 30 day later court date to bring in the documents of the sale.
So now after 90 days since I first went to court, I was standing before her again. (She had aged significantly) I presented my proof of sale and was dismissed with no fine or punishment. I walked out of the gym/courthouse, gave the bomb vest guy a hi-five as we passed and as I was going out, the new owner of the rental house was coming in. (and he just glared at me)
It wasn't really a court room like you would see on Law & Order, but more like a high school gym with folding chairs and the bench was a folding table (and the jury were mannequins) (but dressed in the latest styles). There were no metal scanners to walk thru as there are in the main courthouse. They only had one officer, whose job was to glare at you suspiciously, so that you would not blow yourself and everyone else up. (My guess is that the State thought the judge and attorneys were expendable) (and the defendants were guilty anyway, otherwise we wouldn't be there) (and you can find used mannequins cheap on Craigslist).
There were about 60 people seated and they all turned to look at me as I walked in. (all but the guy in the orange jump suit, who took off in the opposite direction) I seated myself between a guy with jeans sagging down to his knees, with a shirt hanging down to his knees and wearing an over sized hoodlum cap with the brim down to his upper lip and a girl wearing a leather mini-skirt down to just below her navel. There was a woman in short-shorts sitting in front of us and the officer came to her and told her that there was a dress code in the courtroom and the judge would be very upset with the way she was dressed. "Dress code!" she exclaimed "What about Miss "No Mystery" behind me, next to the guy in the green leisure suit?" He looked into his courtroom policy manual and said "You're right!.... Sir, you'll have to at least remove the jacket."
Everyone stood when the judge entered. (a tall, good-looking, blond woman) I watched the parade of Hell bound criminals walk to the front to plead "Not Guilty" (even the guy with the bomb vest) (Some people just aren't intimidated by glaring) and when it was my turn, I tried a different tactic. I pleaded guilty. (that threw them for a loop) The prosecutor had the look of ..But I had lots of pictures! ( and I felt sorry for her, so I looked at them, said awwwww! and then showed her pictures of my grand-kids)
Apparently, Judge Hotness had never sentenced anyone before now, because she asked me what we could do to remedy the situation ( WE?... maybe she'll help me paint) I told her I wanted to sell the house for an obscene profit, but would settle for enough to update my wardrobe. She gave me 30 days to sell the house and I was to return then.
I sold the house pretty fast and 30 days later I awoke from an afternoon nap, realizing....oh no! I had forgotten my court date! I quickly ran to check the county's most wanted list on the Internet to see if I should leave the country. Then I called the D. A.'s office and was told that I could go to Docket Court in the morning with a good excuse for missing my court date and I would have the bench warrant dismissed. (and it better be a good one) (not "I fell asleep" or "I forgot") He told me also that only 24 would be allowed in. (they would give me a yellow ticket to enter. I'm going to Hollywooooood!!!)
I arrived very early and made 10th in line. This was a big time court house with 5 officers glaring and emptying pockets and x-rays and scanners. I felt more secure not having to worry about guns or bombs being brought in. I emptied my pockets and one officer took out my keys, studying them intently and when I asked why, he just glared at me and put them back in the tray. (There must be certain keys that can take out an entire police department).
I walked thru the scanner and the alarm sounded, so they told me to take off my belt and walk thru again. This time I made it thru and the officer on the other side said "Next time walk thru faster and it won't sound the alarm!" (Great! I think I just saw the bomb vest guy from last month walk thru very fast) ( that guy is very gutsy as he had 5 officers glaring at him)
In Docket Court the judge asked why I missed court and I told him that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Advanced Memory Loss. (well.... it's possible!...It's not impossible.) He removed the bench warrant and gave me another 30 days to appear in court. I asked sleepily"Could you write that down? I don't want to forget." (I heard someone yell "KEY" and an officer has tackled someone to the floor.)
30 days later I found a note reminding me to appear in front of Judge Hotness, so I put on my new Route 66 jeans from my new wardrobe, went back to the expendable courthouse, with the glaring officer and seated myself behind a woman in an orange jump suit. (shouldn't have worn those short-shorts!) The judge asked if I had sold the house, I showed her my new jeans, she nodded approvingly and asked for the proof of sale. "Proof of sale?" I asked. (Oh, her glare was so intense that even the bomb vest guy stopped as he entered, turned around and ran.) She gave me 30 day later court date to bring in the documents of the sale.
So now after 90 days since I first went to court, I was standing before her again. (She had aged significantly) I presented my proof of sale and was dismissed with no fine or punishment. I walked out of the gym/courthouse, gave the bomb vest guy a hi-five as we passed and as I was going out, the new owner of the rental house was coming in. (and he just glared at me)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Treats for the sweet
Janet, Annie, Hallie and I sat down the other night to catch up on the American Idol finalist show that we had recorded ( I'm still having nightmares of the last 3 guys walking and holding hands to the final judgement) (creepy) and thank goodness we were interrupted by the urgent information that Kylie had for us. (Our 10 yr. old tax crediting grand-daughter, Kylie, recently moved in with us ) (and she had brought along her flute to practice "Mary had a little lamb" continuously day and night)(and she is such a child prodigy - I could listen to that music day and night) (now I know what music in Heaven will sound like)(Ok, she's no longer reading over my shoulder)
She says (in a panic) " We have to use these tickets from my teacher that I got for Valentine's Day for free ice-cream at Sonic that we have to use tonight, because it's the last night to use these and it's for free ice-cream at Sonic and if we don't go tonight, they won't be any good then we won't get free ice-cream so can we go to Sonic to get our free ice-cream and Annie and Hallie have free tickets too for free ice-cream from Sonic, except that Hallie's is for Braums. I said "You had me at free ice-cream!"
So off we go. I'm glad Hallie has a coupon from Braum's, because I've been craving a Banana Split every day since I was born. Yeah, I know I have to pay for mine, but think of the savings. If I had to take the kids for an ice-cream treat (cause it's easy to talk me into eating ice-cream even with no free tickets) ( during the summer there are ice-cream trucks with a route of circling my block) it would cost a small fortune, but now, with the free coupons, I'm getting a better value on my purchase. (which seems to imply that I'm getting value on my banana split) (have to think on that)
I pull into Braum's, Hallie and I go in, Janet and the other kids stay in the car. (and the manager is eagerly waiting my arrival, $ in his eyes) (he's thinking that he'll make enough off of me to buy a foot long chili-cheese dog at Sonic) (my favorite! maybe I'll buy one at Sonic) We're greeted with "Welcome to Braums! How may I help you today?"(by helping me today and not tomorrow)(Take the kids to Sonic, while I sit here and worship at the altar of Banana Split) "I have my coupon for a free ice-cream cone and I would like".....Then the horror strikes me as I realize that I left my wallet at home and all I have is about a dollars worth of change in my pocket(mostly pennies). Janet has money, but she would never be a part of raising my blood sugar, unless I used her decorative soaps again to wash the dog. (then I neatly put them back in the crystal dish)
I have enough to buy a single dip cone so I spread all my pennies onto the counter and order 2 single dips, one being free. "Would you like an extra scoop for a better value?" he asked. "Well....if the better value is free." I reply and he gives me this quizzical look and says "No sir, that would be 39 cents more for each scoop." I'm thinking that maybe I could buy 3 scoops of ice-cream (no cone, just put them in a bag) and then tell Janet that we need to go to the store, because we're low on groceries.(whipped cream, crushed nuts, chocolate syrup, strawberry glaze, that white stuff and I know we have cherries in the freezer and I think I saw a blackening banana) Janet is notorious for throwing a fit(or to be politically correct .....having violent seizures) when I buy bananas. They over-ripen, turn black and attract those little flies.( not if you made banana splits all the time!) But after thinking that the ice-cream would melt by the time I got everything together (not to mention that there are still two kids waiting in the car) I chose a single cone at a lesser value.
We get back into the car and I have Janet drive to Sonic, so that I can close my eyes and imagine that my cone is a tasty banana split at a greater value and putting Janet in quite a quandary, as she has issues with using a business to get free stuff only. By this I mean that she won't be able to order free cones from Sonic without buying something, like a drink.(a large one at a greater value) When we travel and stop at a convenience store to use the restroom, she always feels compelled to buy something so people won't look and point to her saying "There goes the woman that uses restrooms for free!"(she thinks that there is a special place in Hell for people like that. Pay toilets....and having no coins) . I keep her away from Jewelry stores that have restrooms.
Sure enough, she orders a drink along with the free cones and now everybody is happy. The kids are happy with their free ice-cream cones dripping all over the back seat, Janet is happy with not being viewed by the Sonic car-hop as a leech on society and I'm happy that I know where my wallet is and I can drive back for my banana split. (and yes.... with extra nuts for a greater value)
She says (in a panic) " We have to use these tickets from my teacher that I got for Valentine's Day for free ice-cream at Sonic that we have to use tonight, because it's the last night to use these and it's for free ice-cream at Sonic and if we don't go tonight, they won't be any good then we won't get free ice-cream so can we go to Sonic to get our free ice-cream and Annie and Hallie have free tickets too for free ice-cream from Sonic, except that Hallie's is for Braums. I said "You had me at free ice-cream!"
So off we go. I'm glad Hallie has a coupon from Braum's, because I've been craving a Banana Split every day since I was born. Yeah, I know I have to pay for mine, but think of the savings. If I had to take the kids for an ice-cream treat (cause it's easy to talk me into eating ice-cream even with no free tickets) ( during the summer there are ice-cream trucks with a route of circling my block) it would cost a small fortune, but now, with the free coupons, I'm getting a better value on my purchase. (which seems to imply that I'm getting value on my banana split) (have to think on that)
I pull into Braum's, Hallie and I go in, Janet and the other kids stay in the car. (and the manager is eagerly waiting my arrival, $ in his eyes) (he's thinking that he'll make enough off of me to buy a foot long chili-cheese dog at Sonic) (my favorite! maybe I'll buy one at Sonic) We're greeted with "Welcome to Braums! How may I help you today?"(by helping me today and not tomorrow)(Take the kids to Sonic, while I sit here and worship at the altar of Banana Split) "I have my coupon for a free ice-cream cone and I would like".....Then the horror strikes me as I realize that I left my wallet at home and all I have is about a dollars worth of change in my pocket(mostly pennies). Janet has money, but she would never be a part of raising my blood sugar, unless I used her decorative soaps again to wash the dog. (then I neatly put them back in the crystal dish)
I have enough to buy a single dip cone so I spread all my pennies onto the counter and order 2 single dips, one being free. "Would you like an extra scoop for a better value?" he asked. "Well....if the better value is free." I reply and he gives me this quizzical look and says "No sir, that would be 39 cents more for each scoop." I'm thinking that maybe I could buy 3 scoops of ice-cream (no cone, just put them in a bag) and then tell Janet that we need to go to the store, because we're low on groceries.(whipped cream, crushed nuts, chocolate syrup, strawberry glaze, that white stuff and I know we have cherries in the freezer and I think I saw a blackening banana) Janet is notorious for throwing a fit(or to be politically correct .....having violent seizures) when I buy bananas. They over-ripen, turn black and attract those little flies.( not if you made banana splits all the time!) But after thinking that the ice-cream would melt by the time I got everything together (not to mention that there are still two kids waiting in the car) I chose a single cone at a lesser value.
We get back into the car and I have Janet drive to Sonic, so that I can close my eyes and imagine that my cone is a tasty banana split at a greater value and putting Janet in quite a quandary, as she has issues with using a business to get free stuff only. By this I mean that she won't be able to order free cones from Sonic without buying something, like a drink.(a large one at a greater value) When we travel and stop at a convenience store to use the restroom, she always feels compelled to buy something so people won't look and point to her saying "There goes the woman that uses restrooms for free!"(she thinks that there is a special place in Hell for people like that. Pay toilets....and having no coins) . I keep her away from Jewelry stores that have restrooms.
Sure enough, she orders a drink along with the free cones and now everybody is happy. The kids are happy with their free ice-cream cones dripping all over the back seat, Janet is happy with not being viewed by the Sonic car-hop as a leech on society and I'm happy that I know where my wallet is and I can drive back for my banana split. (and yes.... with extra nuts for a greater value)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Deal on Wheels
It's been some time since I've had to go car shopping with my daughters. Some dad's really enjoy this, but not me.( I know it's gonna cost me) Plus I'm not really mechanically inclined, so I don't hear that ping or whirl or knock in the engine that others hear(Ya hear that?....sounds like the tag light could go out any time now) and then I'm responsible for letting them buy a clunker.
So I was pretty happy when Felice's boyfriend said he was going to find a car for her to buy(Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!) and he found one to look at in Dallas, Tx.(bear with me, there is one in North Carolina) and he wanted to know if I wanted to come along. (he wanted to impress me on his pinging analysis) Sure, why not! It would give me a chance to impress him on what a great in-law I could be. (Then Janet would say "Pete, you have to till the soil for my garden" and I can call Dan and say "Can you give me a hand with the garden. I would do it, but my heart isn't what it used to be, (it makes a pinging noise) but if you can't, that's all right. I've had a good life and Felice will just have to go on without me) (Poor thing) (and I hope Janet will eventually forgive you)
So he picked me up at the ungodly hour of 6am. This was a good time work on my GPS (general pinging symptom), because I'm always getting lost. So I set it for Dallas, TX. and it said "Go straight until you get there" and off we went.
After 15 minutes on the road we were ready for a break(at this rate Dallas was just days away), so we pulled(yes, I had my hand on the steering wheel also) into the service island on the turnpike and while Dan gassed up (2 miles to the gallon) I went in to get snacks, as I can't go on a road trip without totally trashing a car with sunflower seeds, popcorn and spilled drinks. (to my wife's and now Dan's dismay)
I did have one problem. I had lost some weight and now had to cinch up my belt a couple of notches more as my pants could fall down....and they did. I had gone to the restroom and had not cinched the proper notch, so I was standing in a long line with my arms full of much needed trashing supplies, my pants started slipping down. I needed to put my stash on the counter to pull up my pants, but the woman in front of me had the counter filled (she had a bigger car trashing compulsion than mine) and she was asking for directions. (You're on the turnpike for God's sake!! Just go straight!) The only way to keep my pants up was to spread my legs and I was sweating bullets as I was only inches away from completing a Chinese split. Finally she was done and apologized for holding up the line, but she had to find to a service station, as there was a pinging noise coming from her engine.
So we made it to Dallas and met the guy with the car.( I don't remember the model or the color) (same with the car) So with arms properly folded across our chest, we walked around the car, occasionally stopping, giving a quizzical look or nodding. Then we stopped in front of the open hood and Dan asked "Hear that?" and I nodded (Yep! Better check that tag light)
Then we went for the test drive. I sat in the back seat and the ripped up upholstery led me to ask "Do you have a dog?" (or is the woman now in the trunk?)
So now comes the negotiating. Dan asked "So you're asking $5,000?"(and do you know I don't intend to pay more than half of blue book?) and the guy says "Oh, I think that's fair. I put a lot of money into fixing it up(most of it in removing the blood stains from the trunk carpet) and I can get rid of that pinging noise. (probably had a spare tag light in his pocket)
So the deal was not made and we headed back home. (I set my GPS and it said "Go straight back the way you came.") Dan apologized for wasting my day(my whole day was planned out for napping and watching TV) and he bought me dinner. (I love this guy) and eventually he found a car for Felice (about 2 blocks from where she lives) and she brought it over and gave us all a ride in her convertible and Hallie asked "What's that pinging noise?"
So I was pretty happy when Felice's boyfriend said he was going to find a car for her to buy(Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!) and he found one to look at in Dallas, Tx.(bear with me, there is one in North Carolina) and he wanted to know if I wanted to come along. (he wanted to impress me on his pinging analysis) Sure, why not! It would give me a chance to impress him on what a great in-law I could be. (Then Janet would say "Pete, you have to till the soil for my garden" and I can call Dan and say "Can you give me a hand with the garden. I would do it, but my heart isn't what it used to be, (it makes a pinging noise) but if you can't, that's all right. I've had a good life and Felice will just have to go on without me) (Poor thing) (and I hope Janet will eventually forgive you)
So he picked me up at the ungodly hour of 6am. This was a good time work on my GPS (general pinging symptom), because I'm always getting lost. So I set it for Dallas, TX. and it said "Go straight until you get there" and off we went.
After 15 minutes on the road we were ready for a break(at this rate Dallas was just days away), so we pulled(yes, I had my hand on the steering wheel also) into the service island on the turnpike and while Dan gassed up (2 miles to the gallon) I went in to get snacks, as I can't go on a road trip without totally trashing a car with sunflower seeds, popcorn and spilled drinks. (to my wife's and now Dan's dismay)
I did have one problem. I had lost some weight and now had to cinch up my belt a couple of notches more as my pants could fall down....and they did. I had gone to the restroom and had not cinched the proper notch, so I was standing in a long line with my arms full of much needed trashing supplies, my pants started slipping down. I needed to put my stash on the counter to pull up my pants, but the woman in front of me had the counter filled (she had a bigger car trashing compulsion than mine) and she was asking for directions. (You're on the turnpike for God's sake!! Just go straight!) The only way to keep my pants up was to spread my legs and I was sweating bullets as I was only inches away from completing a Chinese split. Finally she was done and apologized for holding up the line, but she had to find to a service station, as there was a pinging noise coming from her engine.
So we made it to Dallas and met the guy with the car.( I don't remember the model or the color) (same with the car) So with arms properly folded across our chest, we walked around the car, occasionally stopping, giving a quizzical look or nodding. Then we stopped in front of the open hood and Dan asked "Hear that?" and I nodded (Yep! Better check that tag light)
Then we went for the test drive. I sat in the back seat and the ripped up upholstery led me to ask "Do you have a dog?" (or is the woman now in the trunk?)
So now comes the negotiating. Dan asked "So you're asking $5,000?"(and do you know I don't intend to pay more than half of blue book?) and the guy says "Oh, I think that's fair. I put a lot of money into fixing it up(most of it in removing the blood stains from the trunk carpet) and I can get rid of that pinging noise. (probably had a spare tag light in his pocket)
So the deal was not made and we headed back home. (I set my GPS and it said "Go straight back the way you came.") Dan apologized for wasting my day(my whole day was planned out for napping and watching TV) and he bought me dinner. (I love this guy) and eventually he found a car for Felice (about 2 blocks from where she lives) and she brought it over and gave us all a ride in her convertible and Hallie asked "What's that pinging noise?"
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Fix it ticket
Annie & Janet came home from gymnastic class (Janet was the driver) a few weeks back and Annie called everyone into the living room for a big announcement. She had a big smile on her face as we all gathered around wondering if maybe she had made the 2012 Olympic team. (She had been working very hard on pointing her toes.) Then with a "ta...daaa!!!" she pulled a paper from behind her back and joyfully announced "Granma got a ticket!!!
I was crestfallen (I love that word) as we had so many tickets in the last few years that the city was finally able to afford new parking lot construction at city hall. But, thankfully it was only a fix-it ticket for a burned-out headlight. Wait a second....why should I be thankful for any kind of ticket. It was still going to cost. I was crestfallen.
I said to Janet that it was at least not going to cost that much, as the last time I had a bulb replaced it was only $16. Yeah, I had to work in Springfield, MO. a couple of years ago and had to get a bulb replaced and it was only $26 at Pep Boys. I was in shock, because I had to work and because the last time that I had a bulb replaced (it was back in the 80's) it cost $96. I was so pleased(happy, joyful, ecstatic, enraptured...all those emotions I get when I think of something like the birth of my child or savings) to see the price had fallen.(Volume selling) So a year later ( it's becoming a tradition) when I had to replace a bulb, I was by an NTB store and I pulled in and when it came time to pay, I pulled out a couple of crisp $20's and the clerk said " That'll be $16."
Wow! Now I was ready to die ( as soon as the Cubbies win the World Series) The price had dropped another $10 in just a year. Someone had discovered a way to make a cheaper light bulb. I had such a huge smile on my face and crestfallen or not this was the best day of my life (closely followed by the birth of my child)
I cheerfully drove to NTB (the same store) walked in and asked that a bulb be replaced. The clerk starts typing into his computer and I'm thinking that the price is probably down to $6 and maybe I'll just throw in a little tip. (never mind...I was getting carried away with enrapture)
He muttered "wow" and I thought "It's so low that I can probably pay for it with the change in my ashtray." That'll be $123!" (and he said it with a straight face) I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in shock. "That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said in my most shocked and crestfallen voice. It sounded like this "That's absolutely ridiculous!" Now you say it.
"How can it be $123, when last year it was only $16." I crestfallenly said. "You probably keyed in the wrong part number!" "No" he said "this is the right number." and he turned his computer screen to show me.(I thought that I had all the GM part numbers memorized, but this one eluded me) (I also suspected that this was how GM's bailout money was being repaid)
I walked out in a fit of good taste and drove home, got on the phone and called Pep Boys, but the phone had been disconnected and I was told they had closed.(Never sell your stuff too low!) Then I called Pfaff Motors ( There you go Troy..free advertising)( For the best deal in town go see Troy! For the best cars around go see Troy! If you want a car or truck and not having any luck, go see Troy! Go see Troy! Go see Troy!)(Hum the jingle like this....hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm!Hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm!) The Service Manager said "Oh about $30." It wasn't $16, but it wasn't $123. Also Pfaff Motors used to be Pfaff Chevrolet (They probably took away his dealership when he refused to mark up his bulbs) and now Troy has a loyal customer or at least until I can find bulb replacements cheaper. I hope he doesn't get crestfallen.
I was crestfallen (I love that word) as we had so many tickets in the last few years that the city was finally able to afford new parking lot construction at city hall. But, thankfully it was only a fix-it ticket for a burned-out headlight. Wait a second....why should I be thankful for any kind of ticket. It was still going to cost. I was crestfallen.
I said to Janet that it was at least not going to cost that much, as the last time I had a bulb replaced it was only $16. Yeah, I had to work in Springfield, MO. a couple of years ago and had to get a bulb replaced and it was only $26 at Pep Boys. I was in shock, because I had to work and because the last time that I had a bulb replaced (it was back in the 80's) it cost $96. I was so pleased(happy, joyful, ecstatic, enraptured...all those emotions I get when I think of something like the birth of my child or savings) to see the price had fallen.(Volume selling) So a year later ( it's becoming a tradition) when I had to replace a bulb, I was by an NTB store and I pulled in and when it came time to pay, I pulled out a couple of crisp $20's and the clerk said " That'll be $16."
Wow! Now I was ready to die ( as soon as the Cubbies win the World Series) The price had dropped another $10 in just a year. Someone had discovered a way to make a cheaper light bulb. I had such a huge smile on my face and crestfallen or not this was the best day of my life (closely followed by the birth of my child)
I cheerfully drove to NTB (the same store) walked in and asked that a bulb be replaced. The clerk starts typing into his computer and I'm thinking that the price is probably down to $6 and maybe I'll just throw in a little tip. (never mind...I was getting carried away with enrapture)
He muttered "wow" and I thought "It's so low that I can probably pay for it with the change in my ashtray." That'll be $123!" (and he said it with a straight face) I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in shock. "That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said in my most shocked and crestfallen voice. It sounded like this "That's absolutely ridiculous!" Now you say it.
"How can it be $123, when last year it was only $16." I crestfallenly said. "You probably keyed in the wrong part number!" "No" he said "this is the right number." and he turned his computer screen to show me.(I thought that I had all the GM part numbers memorized, but this one eluded me) (I also suspected that this was how GM's bailout money was being repaid)
I walked out in a fit of good taste and drove home, got on the phone and called Pep Boys, but the phone had been disconnected and I was told they had closed.(Never sell your stuff too low!) Then I called Pfaff Motors ( There you go Troy..free advertising)( For the best deal in town go see Troy! For the best cars around go see Troy! If you want a car or truck and not having any luck, go see Troy! Go see Troy! Go see Troy!)(Hum the jingle like this....hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm!Hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm!) The Service Manager said "Oh about $30." It wasn't $16, but it wasn't $123. Also Pfaff Motors used to be Pfaff Chevrolet (They probably took away his dealership when he refused to mark up his bulbs) and now Troy has a loyal customer or at least until I can find bulb replacements cheaper. I hope he doesn't get crestfallen.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Happy New Year!!!
Some people will do anything to get out of work. The owner of the company I work for phoned me on the 29th and wanted me in OK City, on New Years day, at 6am to help process and train new employees at our newest account.(Translation: The District Manager in that area hired a bunch of Mexicans and doesn't speak Spanish) That meant that I would have to leave about 3:30am ( or more likely 2:30, as I have a habit of getting lost) This is not what I signed up for and apparently my boss had not read my resume', which stated that I like partying on New Years Eve, watching the ball drop at 11pm and giving my wife her yearly kiss. (whether she needs it or not)
So anyway, I had to make a final visit for the week at my biggest account( and if you're reading this; my FAVORITE account) and was heading home ( to sleep) when I had this heavy, painful sensation in my chest. I thought "I can't be having a heart attack! I haven't had a pork chop in months!"
When I get home I tell Janet that something is wrong and she tells me to lay down for awhile because dinner is almost ready and we're having pork chops (my favorite).
When it comes to my health, the women in my life have their own unique views. Amy will very professionally review my chart (yeah that's right. She carries it with her where ever she goes.) and will give me several options on what to do. Felice and Robin will bring out the crash cart when I sneeze and Sabrina will ask to borrow money, in the event I'm not capable later on, and Janet always needs a little more convincing. (The doctor will say "I'm sorry Mrs. Camargo, but he's brain dead." She'll say "Yeah....well.....he does that a lot.") So she starts feeding me Rolaids until I'm foaming at the mouth and when that doesn't work she gives me baby aspirin (and the pork chops are getting colder and colder)
Finally she decides to take me to the hospital after looking at the Groupon website to see if the hospital had some kind of discount. (Baby Aspirin: bring your own and save $20 a pill!!) We drop the kids off at Amy's, where the party is being held and off we go.
In the back of my mind I thinking that I just pulled some kind of muscle and I'm dreading going to the ER and being told that is what happened and to just take baby aspirin and that will be $4,000 please. But, the EKG showed something wrong and since the X-ray also showed that I carried American Express in my wallet, the doctor ordered another EKG (Hold the pork chops)
I don't have much experience with hospitals or medical procedures, so when the pretty nurse came over to my bed and started to slowly unbutton my shirt with my wife sitting there, I thought "Wow!! Just like in those movies." Then the nurse said "Oh! You have nice looking veins!" I thought "Oh! Just like in those vampire movies." Then she stuck a needle in both my arms to draw blood and put some patches on my chest, making sure to cover as much chest hair as possible.
To make a long story even longer, I ended the year watching the movie, Nemo, and answering phone calls from Felice and Robin (Felice had a $5 bet on a trivial pursuit question and if I was going to die, she should at least benefit) and giving my wife her new years kiss (tasted like pork chops)
I was diagnosed with Paricarditis (look it up..I can't even pronounce it) and told to get plenty of rest for the next 30 days. I called my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it to OK, but that I could send a Rosetta Stone Spanish learning CD.
So anyway, I had to make a final visit for the week at my biggest account( and if you're reading this; my FAVORITE account) and was heading home ( to sleep) when I had this heavy, painful sensation in my chest. I thought "I can't be having a heart attack! I haven't had a pork chop in months!"
When I get home I tell Janet that something is wrong and she tells me to lay down for awhile because dinner is almost ready and we're having pork chops (my favorite).
When it comes to my health, the women in my life have their own unique views. Amy will very professionally review my chart (yeah that's right. She carries it with her where ever she goes.) and will give me several options on what to do. Felice and Robin will bring out the crash cart when I sneeze and Sabrina will ask to borrow money, in the event I'm not capable later on, and Janet always needs a little more convincing. (The doctor will say "I'm sorry Mrs. Camargo, but he's brain dead." She'll say "Yeah....well.....he does that a lot.") So she starts feeding me Rolaids until I'm foaming at the mouth and when that doesn't work she gives me baby aspirin (and the pork chops are getting colder and colder)
Finally she decides to take me to the hospital after looking at the Groupon website to see if the hospital had some kind of discount. (Baby Aspirin: bring your own and save $20 a pill!!) We drop the kids off at Amy's, where the party is being held and off we go.
In the back of my mind I thinking that I just pulled some kind of muscle and I'm dreading going to the ER and being told that is what happened and to just take baby aspirin and that will be $4,000 please. But, the EKG showed something wrong and since the X-ray also showed that I carried American Express in my wallet, the doctor ordered another EKG (Hold the pork chops)
I don't have much experience with hospitals or medical procedures, so when the pretty nurse came over to my bed and started to slowly unbutton my shirt with my wife sitting there, I thought "Wow!! Just like in those movies." Then the nurse said "Oh! You have nice looking veins!" I thought "Oh! Just like in those vampire movies." Then she stuck a needle in both my arms to draw blood and put some patches on my chest, making sure to cover as much chest hair as possible.
To make a long story even longer, I ended the year watching the movie, Nemo, and answering phone calls from Felice and Robin (Felice had a $5 bet on a trivial pursuit question and if I was going to die, she should at least benefit) and giving my wife her new years kiss (tasted like pork chops)
I was diagnosed with Paricarditis (look it up..I can't even pronounce it) and told to get plenty of rest for the next 30 days. I called my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it to OK, but that I could send a Rosetta Stone Spanish learning CD.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Pulling Over
I was headed from Garden City to Hutchinson, minding my own business at 80 mph on a 65mph highway, when I passed a Highway Patrol dude, who was driving in front of the slow moving truck(65mph). How sneaky! Hiding in front of a moving vehicle.
As I was passing, he put his doughnut on his index finger and motioned for me to pull over. I sped up to get in front and pulled over to the shoulder. After parking behind me for 10 minutes(had to finish his doughnut) he got out and strolled over to my car. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked. "You go first" I answered "you might have a lesser offense!" Then he asked why I was in such a hurry. I told him that I had a new hire prospect to interview and he said that was no reason to put my life at risk. (apparently he never had to clean toilets) So he wrote out a ticket, which would cost me about $140 and I was on my way.
The interviewee never showed, so I ended up cleaning toilets.(yeah, that's right! I would have hired him anyway because he had a pulse) Lucky for me there was a plasma center close by and I was able to land a quality employee that had reached his donation limit.
I thought about fighting the ticket with a trick I pulled at one time, but I thought that I may be pushing my luck. About 10 years ago, I was ticketed for doing 65 in a 40 entering Harper, KS. I decided that I would fight the ticket( not that I was innocent, but maybe the cop would go into a diabetic coma from too many doughnuts and not show up in court.)
I drove to Anthony, where the county courthouse is located, the next day to meet with the judge at 6pm. (no joke. Maybe her day job was at "Dunkin Donuts") I could'nt find the court house, so I stopped at the fire station and was told that it was at the Library. The fireman said I should go on in and wait for the judge to show up(after she cleaned out the deep fat fryer) At about 6:05 pm the Judge arrived, we introduced ourselves and went into her office. She informed me that I would not win my case(It's uncanny how she would know this) if I chose to fight and would be better off to pay $90 to enroll into the Diversion Program. If I received no further tickets(fat chance) the violation would not go on my record. I told her that I would fight it and she set court to be held in 10 days. But, if I changed my mind, I could call the county prosecuter to enter diversion.
Well the 10th day came and I had forgotten all about driving to Anthony and there was no way that I would make it there before the doughnut shop closed. So I called the prosecuters office and told the attorney that I would like to enroll in the diversion program. He said that he would be glad not to have to go to the library on a Friday night and miss happy hour at the Mugs and Jugs Tavern. All I had to do was to mail back the form that he would send to me along with a check for $90(but wait! there's more if I act now) I said that court would be in 1 hour and that I was worried about an arrest warrant being issued for not showing up. "Oh, don't worry your handsome little head on that!" he said "If you don't show up and I don't show up, then the judge will simply tear the ticket up!" (and the cop will be furious that he missed happy hour)
So when the form arrived a few days later I said to myself "He didn't show up. I didn't show up. Cop was left with crime scene folders on his lap and the judge has torn up the ticket." So I tore up the form, pocketed my $90 lived happily ever after. (Though, sometimes I awaken in a cold sweat, from a bad dream, where a janitor is moving the file cabinets in the judges office, sees a yellowish paper that has fallen behind and says "What's this?"
I
As I was passing, he put his doughnut on his index finger and motioned for me to pull over. I sped up to get in front and pulled over to the shoulder. After parking behind me for 10 minutes(had to finish his doughnut) he got out and strolled over to my car. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked. "You go first" I answered "you might have a lesser offense!" Then he asked why I was in such a hurry. I told him that I had a new hire prospect to interview and he said that was no reason to put my life at risk. (apparently he never had to clean toilets) So he wrote out a ticket, which would cost me about $140 and I was on my way.
The interviewee never showed, so I ended up cleaning toilets.(yeah, that's right! I would have hired him anyway because he had a pulse) Lucky for me there was a plasma center close by and I was able to land a quality employee that had reached his donation limit.
I thought about fighting the ticket with a trick I pulled at one time, but I thought that I may be pushing my luck. About 10 years ago, I was ticketed for doing 65 in a 40 entering Harper, KS. I decided that I would fight the ticket( not that I was innocent, but maybe the cop would go into a diabetic coma from too many doughnuts and not show up in court.)
I drove to Anthony, where the county courthouse is located, the next day to meet with the judge at 6pm. (no joke. Maybe her day job was at "Dunkin Donuts") I could'nt find the court house, so I stopped at the fire station and was told that it was at the Library. The fireman said I should go on in and wait for the judge to show up(after she cleaned out the deep fat fryer) At about 6:05 pm the Judge arrived, we introduced ourselves and went into her office. She informed me that I would not win my case(It's uncanny how she would know this) if I chose to fight and would be better off to pay $90 to enroll into the Diversion Program. If I received no further tickets(fat chance) the violation would not go on my record. I told her that I would fight it and she set court to be held in 10 days. But, if I changed my mind, I could call the county prosecuter to enter diversion.
Well the 10th day came and I had forgotten all about driving to Anthony and there was no way that I would make it there before the doughnut shop closed. So I called the prosecuters office and told the attorney that I would like to enroll in the diversion program. He said that he would be glad not to have to go to the library on a Friday night and miss happy hour at the Mugs and Jugs Tavern. All I had to do was to mail back the form that he would send to me along with a check for $90(but wait! there's more if I act now) I said that court would be in 1 hour and that I was worried about an arrest warrant being issued for not showing up. "Oh, don't worry your handsome little head on that!" he said "If you don't show up and I don't show up, then the judge will simply tear the ticket up!" (and the cop will be furious that he missed happy hour)
So when the form arrived a few days later I said to myself "He didn't show up. I didn't show up. Cop was left with crime scene folders on his lap and the judge has torn up the ticket." So I tore up the form, pocketed my $90 lived happily ever after. (Though, sometimes I awaken in a cold sweat, from a bad dream, where a janitor is moving the file cabinets in the judges office, sees a yellowish paper that has fallen behind and says "What's this?"
I
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