Day in Court

I had a rental house that the city had forever been on me to fix up. (update) ( the city inspector was voted off HGTV's "Design Star" the first night.) So finally, I was summoned to court to answer for my high crimes of tacky design. So wearing my best, lime green, polyester, leisure suit, I walked into the court room ready to defend myself against these outrageous claims. (I distinctly remember affixing those loose roof shingles with duct tape)

It wasn't really a court room like you would see on Law & Order, but more like a high school gym with folding chairs and the bench was a folding table (and the jury were mannequins) (but dressed in the latest styles). There were no metal scanners to walk thru as there are in the main courthouse. They only had one officer, whose job was to glare at you suspiciously, so that you would not blow yourself and everyone else up. (My guess is that the State thought the judge and attorneys were expendable) (and the defendants were guilty anyway, otherwise we wouldn't be there) (and you can find used mannequins cheap on Craigslist).


There were about 60 people seated and they all turned to look at me as I walked in. (all but the guy in the orange jump suit, who took off in the opposite direction) I seated myself between a guy with jeans sagging down to his knees, with a shirt hanging down to his knees and wearing an over sized hoodlum cap with the brim down to his upper lip and a girl wearing a leather mini-skirt down to just below her navel. There was a woman in short-shorts sitting in front of us and the officer came to her and told her that there was a dress code in the courtroom and the judge would be very upset with the way she was dressed. "Dress code!" she exclaimed "What about Miss "No Mystery" behind me, next to the guy in the green leisure suit?" He looked into his courtroom policy manual and said "You're right!.... Sir, you'll have to at least remove the jacket."

Everyone stood when the judge entered. (a tall, good-looking, blond woman) I watched the parade of Hell bound criminals walk to the front to plead "Not Guilty" (even the guy with the bomb vest) (Some people just aren't intimidated by glaring) and when it was my turn, I tried a different tactic. I pleaded guilty. (that threw them for a loop) The prosecutor had the look of ..But I had lots of pictures! ( and I felt sorry for her, so I looked at them, said awwwww! and then showed her pictures of my grand-kids)

Apparently, Judge Hotness had never sentenced anyone before now, because she asked me what we could do to remedy the situation ( WE?... maybe she'll help me paint) I told her I wanted to sell the house for an obscene profit, but would settle for enough to update my wardrobe. She gave me 30 days to sell the house and I was to return then.

I sold the house pretty fast and 30 days later I awoke from an afternoon nap, realizing....oh no! I had forgotten my court date! I quickly ran to check the county's most wanted list on the Internet to see if I should leave the country. Then I called the D. A.'s office and was told that I could go to Docket Court in the morning with a good excuse for missing my court date and I would have the bench warrant dismissed. (and it better be a good one) (not "I fell asleep" or "I forgot") He told me also that only 24 would be allowed in. (they would give me a yellow ticket to enter. I'm going to Hollywooooood!!!)

I arrived very early and made 10th in line. This was a big time court house with 5 officers glaring and emptying pockets and x-rays and scanners. I felt more secure not having to worry about guns or bombs being brought in. I emptied my pockets and one officer took out my keys, studying them intently and when I asked why, he just glared at me and put them back in the tray. (There must be certain keys that can take out an entire police department).

I walked thru the scanner and the alarm sounded, so they told me to take off my belt and walk thru again. This time I made it thru and the officer on the other side said "Next time walk thru faster and it won't sound the alarm!" (Great! I think I just saw the bomb vest guy from last month walk thru very fast) ( that guy is very gutsy as he had 5 officers glaring at him)

In Docket Court the judge asked why I missed court and I told him that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Advanced Memory Loss. (well.... it's possible!...It's not impossible.) He removed the bench warrant and gave me another 30 days to appear in court. I asked sleepily"Could you write that down? I don't want to forget." (I heard someone yell "KEY" and an officer has tackled someone to the floor.)

30 days later I found a note reminding me to appear in front of Judge Hotness, so I put on my new Route 66 jeans from my new wardrobe, went back to the expendable courthouse, with the glaring officer and seated myself behind a woman in an orange jump suit. (shouldn't have worn those short-shorts!) The judge asked if I had sold the house, I showed her my new jeans, she nodded approvingly and asked for the proof of sale. "Proof of sale?" I asked. (Oh, her glare was so intense that even the bomb vest guy stopped as he entered, turned around and ran.) She gave me 30 day later court date to bring in the documents of the sale.

So now after 90 days since I first went to court, I was standing before her again. (She had aged significantly) I presented my proof of sale and was dismissed with no fine or punishment. I walked out of the gym/courthouse, gave the bomb vest guy a hi-five as we passed and as I was going out, the new owner of the rental house was coming in. (and he just glared at me)