Happy New Year!!!

Some people will do anything to get out of work. The owner of the company I work for phoned me on the 29th and wanted me in OK City, on New Years day, at 6am to help process and train new employees at our newest account.(Translation: The District Manager in that area hired a bunch of Mexicans and doesn't speak Spanish) That meant that I would have to leave about 3:30am ( or more likely 2:30, as I have a habit of getting lost) This is not what I signed up for and apparently my boss had not read my resume', which stated that I like partying on New Years Eve, watching the ball drop at 11pm and giving my wife her yearly kiss. (whether she needs it or not)
So anyway, I had to make a final visit for the week at my biggest account( and if you're reading this; my FAVORITE account) and was heading home ( to sleep) when I had this heavy, painful sensation in my chest. I thought "I can't be having a heart attack! I haven't had a pork chop in months!"
When I get home I tell Janet that something is wrong and she tells me to lay down for awhile because dinner is almost ready and we're having pork chops (my favorite).
When it comes to my health, the women in my life have their own unique views. Amy will very professionally review my chart (yeah that's right. She carries it with her where ever she goes.) and will give me several options on what to do. Felice and Robin will bring out the crash cart when I sneeze and Sabrina will ask to borrow money, in the event I'm not capable later on, and Janet always needs a little more convincing. (The doctor will say "I'm sorry Mrs. Camargo, but he's brain dead." She'll say "Yeah....well.....he does that a lot.") So she starts feeding me Rolaids until I'm foaming at the mouth and when that doesn't work she gives me baby aspirin (and the pork chops are getting colder and colder)
Finally she decides to take me to the hospital after looking at the Groupon website to see if the hospital had some kind of discount. (Baby Aspirin: bring your own and save $20 a pill!!) We drop the kids off at Amy's, where the party is being held and off we go.
In the back of my mind I thinking that I just pulled some kind of muscle and I'm dreading going to the ER and being told that is what happened and to just take baby aspirin and that will be $4,000 please. But, the EKG showed something wrong and since the X-ray also showed that I carried American Express in my wallet, the doctor ordered another EKG (Hold the pork chops)
I don't have much experience with hospitals or medical procedures, so when the pretty nurse came over to my bed and started to slowly unbutton my shirt with my wife sitting there, I thought "Wow!! Just like in those movies." Then the nurse said "Oh! You have nice looking veins!" I thought "Oh! Just like in those vampire movies." Then she stuck a needle in both my arms to draw blood and put some patches on my chest, making sure to cover as much chest hair as possible.
To make a long story even longer, I ended the year watching the movie, Nemo, and answering phone calls from Felice and Robin (Felice had a $5 bet on a trivial pursuit question and if I was going to die, she should at least benefit) and giving my wife her new years kiss (tasted like pork chops)
I was diagnosed with Paricarditis (look it up..I can't even pronounce it) and told to get plenty of rest for the next 30 days. I called my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it to OK, but that I could send a Rosetta Stone Spanish learning CD.