It was high time to get serious about our finances and retirement and buying my $1 a week lottery ticket just wasn't cutting it, so this time, I doubled my purchase and waited impatiently. (Darn! Missed it by only 6 numbers) Janet then said that we ought to try a Dave Ramsey course on finances. Finally, a way to save and achieve wealth. (now I could quadruple my chances)
So we signed up for the course at church. It's titled "Financial Peace University" It was a great price at $20, regularly $93. (but wait, if you buy now, you'll receive the best selling book "Quadruple Your Lottery Chances") The first lesson was to save $1,000 for an emergency fund. We were able to get almost $100 saved right away, mostly in pennies, (check those couches) so off to the bank we went to open an emergency savings account.
We decided to use Janet's bank to open our account. She likes the friendly service and free stuff. She's lending the bank her money, so she deserves the key chains, coin holders & pencils.(stocking stuffers) The security guard opened the door for us, as our hands were laden with bags of pennies and we walked up to the teller window and Janet said that we would like to open a savings account. The teller said "Oh, I'm sorry! This window is closed, but you could step over to the next window, someone will be right with you." So we went to the next window and the teller stepped over and said "Good afternoon! My name is Michelle. How may I help you?" Janet said "As I was saying to you at the other window, we would like to open a savings account." "Oh! I'm sorry! That's set up at the desk behind you. If you take a seat on one of our very comfortable chairs, someone will be right with you.
We settled down in the chairs and used the bags of pennies as foot stools. Janet didn't think the chairs were comfortable, but then, she's used to just laying back on couches with her feet up. (That's how I get most of my coins) As I read the only magazine, Janet was busy with her Christmas shopping. (every year it's the same thing....a key chain) It didn't seem to busy, but everyone was doing things. One teller was categorizing her silly bands (I think she shoots them at little kids when she's out of lolly-pops) and the guard was busy opening and shutting the door (checking for squeaks) There was some excitement when a man entered the bank wearing this "Freddie - Nightmare on Elm St." type face and the guard confronted him and said "Sir, you have to remove the mask!" and the guy said "What mask?"
Finally Michelle came over and asked "Hello, have you been helped?" Janet said "As I said over at the teller window, we'd like to open a savings account." Oh! I'm sorry! Marlene isn't here today, maybe I can help!" She asked what type of account we wanted. The regular savings account, the Money Market or the stuffed mattress! I asked which would give us the better return on our money and she giggled uncontrollably.
Janet was a current customer so she was ok, but I needed to provide proof I.D., thumb print, hair sample and drawn blood. (Oh great! I've lost my wallet, am a double amputee, bald and anemic) Luckily, I had a note from my mother. Then when Michelle had trouble with the computer, she said that it could be awhile ( I'm reminded of scripture saying "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day) I suggested that maybe we go shopping while waiting (I mean...we had a 100 bucks) or maybe paint the house.
We arrived back with Janet wearing her new Sketchers and I had a bag of army men(Hallie's school project) and was told that the computer still wasn't up. Michelle apologized repeatedly for the delay and said she would call someone. She got on the phone and called the President of the bank demanding that something be done or he would be $100 short on his country club dues. He said he would take care of it. (Does he have proper I.D. or a note from his mother?)
Michelle saved the day for us and we left with our account set up and a purse full of free goodies. I called the bank president myself and asked why they had such a crappy computer program. "Doesn't this bank have enough money for good computer programs" He replied "Well...we did get bail-out money, but the board voted on a way to quadruple our chances on making more.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Day in Court
I had a rental house that the city had forever been on me to fix up. (update) ( the city inspector was voted off HGTV's "Design Star" the first night.) So finally, I was summoned to court to answer for my high crimes of tacky design. So wearing my best, lime green, polyester, leisure suit, I walked into the court room ready to defend myself against these outrageous claims. (I distinctly remember affixing those loose roof shingles with duct tape)
It wasn't really a court room like you would see on Law & Order, but more like a high school gym with folding chairs and the bench was a folding table (and the jury were mannequins) (but dressed in the latest styles). There were no metal scanners to walk thru as there are in the main courthouse. They only had one officer, whose job was to glare at you suspiciously, so that you would not blow yourself and everyone else up. (My guess is that the State thought the judge and attorneys were expendable) (and the defendants were guilty anyway, otherwise we wouldn't be there) (and you can find used mannequins cheap on Craigslist).
There were about 60 people seated and they all turned to look at me as I walked in. (all but the guy in the orange jump suit, who took off in the opposite direction) I seated myself between a guy with jeans sagging down to his knees, with a shirt hanging down to his knees and wearing an over sized hoodlum cap with the brim down to his upper lip and a girl wearing a leather mini-skirt down to just below her navel. There was a woman in short-shorts sitting in front of us and the officer came to her and told her that there was a dress code in the courtroom and the judge would be very upset with the way she was dressed. "Dress code!" she exclaimed "What about Miss "No Mystery" behind me, next to the guy in the green leisure suit?" He looked into his courtroom policy manual and said "You're right!.... Sir, you'll have to at least remove the jacket."
Everyone stood when the judge entered. (a tall, good-looking, blond woman) I watched the parade of Hell bound criminals walk to the front to plead "Not Guilty" (even the guy with the bomb vest) (Some people just aren't intimidated by glaring) and when it was my turn, I tried a different tactic. I pleaded guilty. (that threw them for a loop) The prosecutor had the look of ..But I had lots of pictures! ( and I felt sorry for her, so I looked at them, said awwwww! and then showed her pictures of my grand-kids)
Apparently, Judge Hotness had never sentenced anyone before now, because she asked me what we could do to remedy the situation ( WE?... maybe she'll help me paint) I told her I wanted to sell the house for an obscene profit, but would settle for enough to update my wardrobe. She gave me 30 days to sell the house and I was to return then.
I sold the house pretty fast and 30 days later I awoke from an afternoon nap, realizing....oh no! I had forgotten my court date! I quickly ran to check the county's most wanted list on the Internet to see if I should leave the country. Then I called the D. A.'s office and was told that I could go to Docket Court in the morning with a good excuse for missing my court date and I would have the bench warrant dismissed. (and it better be a good one) (not "I fell asleep" or "I forgot") He told me also that only 24 would be allowed in. (they would give me a yellow ticket to enter. I'm going to Hollywooooood!!!)
I arrived very early and made 10th in line. This was a big time court house with 5 officers glaring and emptying pockets and x-rays and scanners. I felt more secure not having to worry about guns or bombs being brought in. I emptied my pockets and one officer took out my keys, studying them intently and when I asked why, he just glared at me and put them back in the tray. (There must be certain keys that can take out an entire police department).
I walked thru the scanner and the alarm sounded, so they told me to take off my belt and walk thru again. This time I made it thru and the officer on the other side said "Next time walk thru faster and it won't sound the alarm!" (Great! I think I just saw the bomb vest guy from last month walk thru very fast) ( that guy is very gutsy as he had 5 officers glaring at him)
In Docket Court the judge asked why I missed court and I told him that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Advanced Memory Loss. (well.... it's possible!...It's not impossible.) He removed the bench warrant and gave me another 30 days to appear in court. I asked sleepily"Could you write that down? I don't want to forget." (I heard someone yell "KEY" and an officer has tackled someone to the floor.)
30 days later I found a note reminding me to appear in front of Judge Hotness, so I put on my new Route 66 jeans from my new wardrobe, went back to the expendable courthouse, with the glaring officer and seated myself behind a woman in an orange jump suit. (shouldn't have worn those short-shorts!) The judge asked if I had sold the house, I showed her my new jeans, she nodded approvingly and asked for the proof of sale. "Proof of sale?" I asked. (Oh, her glare was so intense that even the bomb vest guy stopped as he entered, turned around and ran.) She gave me 30 day later court date to bring in the documents of the sale.
So now after 90 days since I first went to court, I was standing before her again. (She had aged significantly) I presented my proof of sale and was dismissed with no fine or punishment. I walked out of the gym/courthouse, gave the bomb vest guy a hi-five as we passed and as I was going out, the new owner of the rental house was coming in. (and he just glared at me)
It wasn't really a court room like you would see on Law & Order, but more like a high school gym with folding chairs and the bench was a folding table (and the jury were mannequins) (but dressed in the latest styles). There were no metal scanners to walk thru as there are in the main courthouse. They only had one officer, whose job was to glare at you suspiciously, so that you would not blow yourself and everyone else up. (My guess is that the State thought the judge and attorneys were expendable) (and the defendants were guilty anyway, otherwise we wouldn't be there) (and you can find used mannequins cheap on Craigslist).
There were about 60 people seated and they all turned to look at me as I walked in. (all but the guy in the orange jump suit, who took off in the opposite direction) I seated myself between a guy with jeans sagging down to his knees, with a shirt hanging down to his knees and wearing an over sized hoodlum cap with the brim down to his upper lip and a girl wearing a leather mini-skirt down to just below her navel. There was a woman in short-shorts sitting in front of us and the officer came to her and told her that there was a dress code in the courtroom and the judge would be very upset with the way she was dressed. "Dress code!" she exclaimed "What about Miss "No Mystery" behind me, next to the guy in the green leisure suit?" He looked into his courtroom policy manual and said "You're right!.... Sir, you'll have to at least remove the jacket."
Everyone stood when the judge entered. (a tall, good-looking, blond woman) I watched the parade of Hell bound criminals walk to the front to plead "Not Guilty" (even the guy with the bomb vest) (Some people just aren't intimidated by glaring) and when it was my turn, I tried a different tactic. I pleaded guilty. (that threw them for a loop) The prosecutor had the look of ..But I had lots of pictures! ( and I felt sorry for her, so I looked at them, said awwwww! and then showed her pictures of my grand-kids)
Apparently, Judge Hotness had never sentenced anyone before now, because she asked me what we could do to remedy the situation ( WE?... maybe she'll help me paint) I told her I wanted to sell the house for an obscene profit, but would settle for enough to update my wardrobe. She gave me 30 days to sell the house and I was to return then.
I sold the house pretty fast and 30 days later I awoke from an afternoon nap, realizing....oh no! I had forgotten my court date! I quickly ran to check the county's most wanted list on the Internet to see if I should leave the country. Then I called the D. A.'s office and was told that I could go to Docket Court in the morning with a good excuse for missing my court date and I would have the bench warrant dismissed. (and it better be a good one) (not "I fell asleep" or "I forgot") He told me also that only 24 would be allowed in. (they would give me a yellow ticket to enter. I'm going to Hollywooooood!!!)
I arrived very early and made 10th in line. This was a big time court house with 5 officers glaring and emptying pockets and x-rays and scanners. I felt more secure not having to worry about guns or bombs being brought in. I emptied my pockets and one officer took out my keys, studying them intently and when I asked why, he just glared at me and put them back in the tray. (There must be certain keys that can take out an entire police department).
I walked thru the scanner and the alarm sounded, so they told me to take off my belt and walk thru again. This time I made it thru and the officer on the other side said "Next time walk thru faster and it won't sound the alarm!" (Great! I think I just saw the bomb vest guy from last month walk thru very fast) ( that guy is very gutsy as he had 5 officers glaring at him)
In Docket Court the judge asked why I missed court and I told him that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Advanced Memory Loss. (well.... it's possible!...It's not impossible.) He removed the bench warrant and gave me another 30 days to appear in court. I asked sleepily"Could you write that down? I don't want to forget." (I heard someone yell "KEY" and an officer has tackled someone to the floor.)
30 days later I found a note reminding me to appear in front of Judge Hotness, so I put on my new Route 66 jeans from my new wardrobe, went back to the expendable courthouse, with the glaring officer and seated myself behind a woman in an orange jump suit. (shouldn't have worn those short-shorts!) The judge asked if I had sold the house, I showed her my new jeans, she nodded approvingly and asked for the proof of sale. "Proof of sale?" I asked. (Oh, her glare was so intense that even the bomb vest guy stopped as he entered, turned around and ran.) She gave me 30 day later court date to bring in the documents of the sale.
So now after 90 days since I first went to court, I was standing before her again. (She had aged significantly) I presented my proof of sale and was dismissed with no fine or punishment. I walked out of the gym/courthouse, gave the bomb vest guy a hi-five as we passed and as I was going out, the new owner of the rental house was coming in. (and he just glared at me)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Treats for the sweet
Janet, Annie, Hallie and I sat down the other night to catch up on the American Idol finalist show that we had recorded ( I'm still having nightmares of the last 3 guys walking and holding hands to the final judgement) (creepy) and thank goodness we were interrupted by the urgent information that Kylie had for us. (Our 10 yr. old tax crediting grand-daughter, Kylie, recently moved in with us ) (and she had brought along her flute to practice "Mary had a little lamb" continuously day and night)(and she is such a child prodigy - I could listen to that music day and night) (now I know what music in Heaven will sound like)(Ok, she's no longer reading over my shoulder)
She says (in a panic) " We have to use these tickets from my teacher that I got for Valentine's Day for free ice-cream at Sonic that we have to use tonight, because it's the last night to use these and it's for free ice-cream at Sonic and if we don't go tonight, they won't be any good then we won't get free ice-cream so can we go to Sonic to get our free ice-cream and Annie and Hallie have free tickets too for free ice-cream from Sonic, except that Hallie's is for Braums. I said "You had me at free ice-cream!"
So off we go. I'm glad Hallie has a coupon from Braum's, because I've been craving a Banana Split every day since I was born. Yeah, I know I have to pay for mine, but think of the savings. If I had to take the kids for an ice-cream treat (cause it's easy to talk me into eating ice-cream even with no free tickets) ( during the summer there are ice-cream trucks with a route of circling my block) it would cost a small fortune, but now, with the free coupons, I'm getting a better value on my purchase. (which seems to imply that I'm getting value on my banana split) (have to think on that)
I pull into Braum's, Hallie and I go in, Janet and the other kids stay in the car. (and the manager is eagerly waiting my arrival, $ in his eyes) (he's thinking that he'll make enough off of me to buy a foot long chili-cheese dog at Sonic) (my favorite! maybe I'll buy one at Sonic) We're greeted with "Welcome to Braums! How may I help you today?"(by helping me today and not tomorrow)(Take the kids to Sonic, while I sit here and worship at the altar of Banana Split) "I have my coupon for a free ice-cream cone and I would like".....Then the horror strikes me as I realize that I left my wallet at home and all I have is about a dollars worth of change in my pocket(mostly pennies). Janet has money, but she would never be a part of raising my blood sugar, unless I used her decorative soaps again to wash the dog. (then I neatly put them back in the crystal dish)
I have enough to buy a single dip cone so I spread all my pennies onto the counter and order 2 single dips, one being free. "Would you like an extra scoop for a better value?" he asked. "Well....if the better value is free." I reply and he gives me this quizzical look and says "No sir, that would be 39 cents more for each scoop." I'm thinking that maybe I could buy 3 scoops of ice-cream (no cone, just put them in a bag) and then tell Janet that we need to go to the store, because we're low on groceries.(whipped cream, crushed nuts, chocolate syrup, strawberry glaze, that white stuff and I know we have cherries in the freezer and I think I saw a blackening banana) Janet is notorious for throwing a fit(or to be politically correct .....having violent seizures) when I buy bananas. They over-ripen, turn black and attract those little flies.( not if you made banana splits all the time!) But after thinking that the ice-cream would melt by the time I got everything together (not to mention that there are still two kids waiting in the car) I chose a single cone at a lesser value.
We get back into the car and I have Janet drive to Sonic, so that I can close my eyes and imagine that my cone is a tasty banana split at a greater value and putting Janet in quite a quandary, as she has issues with using a business to get free stuff only. By this I mean that she won't be able to order free cones from Sonic without buying something, like a drink.(a large one at a greater value) When we travel and stop at a convenience store to use the restroom, she always feels compelled to buy something so people won't look and point to her saying "There goes the woman that uses restrooms for free!"(she thinks that there is a special place in Hell for people like that. Pay toilets....and having no coins) . I keep her away from Jewelry stores that have restrooms.
Sure enough, she orders a drink along with the free cones and now everybody is happy. The kids are happy with their free ice-cream cones dripping all over the back seat, Janet is happy with not being viewed by the Sonic car-hop as a leech on society and I'm happy that I know where my wallet is and I can drive back for my banana split. (and yes.... with extra nuts for a greater value)
She says (in a panic) " We have to use these tickets from my teacher that I got for Valentine's Day for free ice-cream at Sonic that we have to use tonight, because it's the last night to use these and it's for free ice-cream at Sonic and if we don't go tonight, they won't be any good then we won't get free ice-cream so can we go to Sonic to get our free ice-cream and Annie and Hallie have free tickets too for free ice-cream from Sonic, except that Hallie's is for Braums. I said "You had me at free ice-cream!"
So off we go. I'm glad Hallie has a coupon from Braum's, because I've been craving a Banana Split every day since I was born. Yeah, I know I have to pay for mine, but think of the savings. If I had to take the kids for an ice-cream treat (cause it's easy to talk me into eating ice-cream even with no free tickets) ( during the summer there are ice-cream trucks with a route of circling my block) it would cost a small fortune, but now, with the free coupons, I'm getting a better value on my purchase. (which seems to imply that I'm getting value on my banana split) (have to think on that)
I pull into Braum's, Hallie and I go in, Janet and the other kids stay in the car. (and the manager is eagerly waiting my arrival, $ in his eyes) (he's thinking that he'll make enough off of me to buy a foot long chili-cheese dog at Sonic) (my favorite! maybe I'll buy one at Sonic) We're greeted with "Welcome to Braums! How may I help you today?"(by helping me today and not tomorrow)(Take the kids to Sonic, while I sit here and worship at the altar of Banana Split) "I have my coupon for a free ice-cream cone and I would like".....Then the horror strikes me as I realize that I left my wallet at home and all I have is about a dollars worth of change in my pocket(mostly pennies). Janet has money, but she would never be a part of raising my blood sugar, unless I used her decorative soaps again to wash the dog. (then I neatly put them back in the crystal dish)
I have enough to buy a single dip cone so I spread all my pennies onto the counter and order 2 single dips, one being free. "Would you like an extra scoop for a better value?" he asked. "Well....if the better value is free." I reply and he gives me this quizzical look and says "No sir, that would be 39 cents more for each scoop." I'm thinking that maybe I could buy 3 scoops of ice-cream (no cone, just put them in a bag) and then tell Janet that we need to go to the store, because we're low on groceries.(whipped cream, crushed nuts, chocolate syrup, strawberry glaze, that white stuff and I know we have cherries in the freezer and I think I saw a blackening banana) Janet is notorious for throwing a fit(or to be politically correct .....having violent seizures) when I buy bananas. They over-ripen, turn black and attract those little flies.( not if you made banana splits all the time!) But after thinking that the ice-cream would melt by the time I got everything together (not to mention that there are still two kids waiting in the car) I chose a single cone at a lesser value.
We get back into the car and I have Janet drive to Sonic, so that I can close my eyes and imagine that my cone is a tasty banana split at a greater value and putting Janet in quite a quandary, as she has issues with using a business to get free stuff only. By this I mean that she won't be able to order free cones from Sonic without buying something, like a drink.(a large one at a greater value) When we travel and stop at a convenience store to use the restroom, she always feels compelled to buy something so people won't look and point to her saying "There goes the woman that uses restrooms for free!"(she thinks that there is a special place in Hell for people like that. Pay toilets....and having no coins) . I keep her away from Jewelry stores that have restrooms.
Sure enough, she orders a drink along with the free cones and now everybody is happy. The kids are happy with their free ice-cream cones dripping all over the back seat, Janet is happy with not being viewed by the Sonic car-hop as a leech on society and I'm happy that I know where my wallet is and I can drive back for my banana split. (and yes.... with extra nuts for a greater value)
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